Amidst the tension and tribulations of modern life, it is important to know when to step back and give yourself the support you need to thrive; yet all-too-often our well-intended attempts at self-care tend toward self-sabotage.
Alongside a growing surge of mental-health awareness, we face the powerful enticement for pampering and indulgence, cunningly disguised as self-care.
When a rewarding break snowballs into a regretful binge, however, it becomes self-indulgence. What may have been a fuzzy line at the time, becomes crystal clear in hindsight: Whether it is in terms of finances, self-esteem, personal goals, or meeting expectations; instead of pushing you forward, it has set you back.
Here, we will look at how to distinguish between self-care and self-indulgence from the get-go, enabling you to make better choices for your long-term health and happiness.
What is self-care?
True self-care may not have the same appeal as a day at the spa, but it tends to be more accessible, more practical, and have a greater impact.
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Far from giving free reign to your cravings for comfort and pleasure, self-care is about making intentional, thoughtful decisions that align with your goals and support your well-being.
Sometimes self-care will look more like work: it can ask you to be consistent when you’re ready to cave in, to show up when you want to play hooky, or to be tuned in when you’d rather zone out. It focuses on your fundamental needs rather than your superficial desires.
Self-care may take the shape of preparing nutritious meals for yourself, spending time with your loved ones, getting fresh air and exercise, practicing meditation, or reading enriching literature. It does not preclude a bit of indulgence here and there, but it calls on your wisdom to consider what you can afford, how much is enough, and the consequences of going beyond that.
Just like parents need to be both loving and firm to raise their children well, we should exercise compassion and gentle discipline with ourselves.
What is self-indulgence?
Self-indulgence focuses on comfort and convenience over growth and sustainability; but it isn’t always as obvious as you’d think — like daily, decadent desserts, spending hours in front of the TV, or extravagant spending. It can be more subtle. Almost anything, taken too far, can become self-indulgence.
Suppose you skip your morning exercises because you were up late the night before. That might be a valid option for securing one good night’s rest, but if you make a habit of it, it will undermine your own hard work.
Say you reward yourself with some activity as a break from work. That’s great, unless that activity continually creates an excuse from getting back to work. Perhaps you regret your choices, and then shower yourself with shame and self-criticism. This is another form of self-indulgence.
Self-indulgence is rarely intentional; it is impulsive, and it happens when we relax our standards, when we give in to weaknesses, and when we abandon our goals. Because we often resort to self-indulgence when we want to avoid difficult feelings, effort, or discomfort, it goes against our intentions for growth.
Drawing the line
Caring for your physical, mental, and spiritual self certainly includes comfort and pleasure, but when comfort and pleasure become the driving force, it amounts to spoiling yourself. How can you tell when you’ve crossed the line?
Tune in to your motivations before you give in to your desires. Think about why you’re wanting that thing at that moment. Is it actually going to help sustain your body and support your goals, or is some form of avoidance?
Do you want to numb unpleasant emotions? Put off doing a difficult task? Distract your anxious mind? Avoid responsibility? Or are you craving instant gratification? Self-indulgence offers short-term relief, but it is often tainted with guilt. It may leave you thinking, “Ugh, why did I do that?” It drains your energy, drags you down, and can lead to unhealthy and disruptive patterns.
Because true self-care nurtures your mind, body, and spirit, it is uplifting and pushes you forward. It may leave you thinking, “That wasn’t easy, but it was worth it!” or “I feel refreshed, I should do that more often.”
How to practice true self-care
Staying within the realm of true self-care basically boils down to making good decisions and exercising discipline over diversion. Of course, that’s easier said than done. Consider these tips to help you get started:
- Clearly stated goals are more achievable. Take the time to write down what aspects of self-care are on your agenda. Do you need to spend more time with your family? Challenge your brain? Improve your diet? Putting your goals in writing makes them more concrete, and invites you to make a plan for how to realize them. Share your plans with someone you can check in with for accountability.
- Understand your weaknesses. Knowing what tempts you off track means you can guard against it. If you get sucked into scrolling when you should be concentrating, leave your phone in another room. If you can’t resist snacks, don’t bring them into the house. If your online shopping has spiraled out of control, delete your shopping apps and remove your saved credit card information.
- Separate needs from wants. The things we want don’t necessarily coincide with what we need to move towards our goals. Learn to differentiate between the two and prioritize your needs. A lot of times we just want more after a genuine need is met — as in the case of over-eating, over-sleeping, or over-spending. Set reasonable limits, and try to live with them.
- Every choice has consequences. Instead of acting on impulse, pause to consider where your action might be headed. How will it affect you in the long run? Can you afford it, or does it break the budget? Will it help you, or will you regret it? Look at your alternatives and try to choose growth over gratification.
- Small steps add up. Attempting to tackle all of your self-care at once will only lead to stress and frustration. Focus on one area with one healthy habit at a time. Add another only after you’ve become consistent with the first.
- Forgive and move forward. Self-care’s aim is to preserve and restore; it is not about perfection or punishment. Expect to make mistakes. Forgive yourself, reflect on what went wrong and learn what you can, then move forward no worse for the wear.
