Black and white thinking is the tendency to look at things in extreme ways. It can show up in your perception of others: “He is a terrible neighbor;” “That guy is a saint;” “She never listens;” or “You always cheat.” It can also manifest in your self-perception: “I’m not good at anything;” “I can’t stand when that happens;” “Everyone is against me;” or “I am the only one who knows how to do that.”
Rigid views like these are not only limiting, they are inaccurate. They are basically lies that distort reality and feed extreme emotions, making it harder for you to see things objectively — and easier to see yourself as a victim of circumstance — ultimately sabotaging your success, eroding relationships, and compromising your health and happiness.
If you think you may be guilty of black and white thinking, you’re not alone. It is a common cognitive distortion that could be at the root of many problems; but fortunately it is not as absolute as it sounds. By learning to recognize and understand black and white thinking, you can begin to shape healthier thought patterns and restore your quality of life.
Recognizing black and white thinking
Black and white thinkers tend to use extreme words, such as always, never, everything, nothing, perfect, terrible, best and worst, when more moderate terms would be more accurate. They also measure things in all-or-nothing standards, and use irrational logic:
- “I couldn’t do it, I’m a failure.”
- “She hasn’t texted me, so she must be ghosting me.”
- “If I don’t get promoted, I’m quitting.”
A classic example would be the character Javert, from Les Miserable, a police inspector so rigid in his condemnation of a petty thief that the idea of his being reformed is unbearable — to the extent that he tragically takes his own life.
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In all of these cases, one is ignoring important nuances, the middle ground, or the “grey area” of the situation.
- Perhaps you have a hard time with certain challenges, but you do well with others.
- There could be dozens of reasons someone might not return a text.
- Even if you don’t get the position you hoped for, it doesn’t mean you aren’t valued.
If Javert had allowed for the possibility of good people making occasional mistakes, he would not have wasted his life.
Why do we think in black and white?
Black and white thinking is a way of simplifying things. Life is complicated — every situation has nuances that make it different, and every day we meet with different situations. For any number of reasons, we might feel overwhelmed with all the complexity and uncertainty, and begin to mentally organize things into good/bad, love/hate, best/worst, always/never, right/wrong and so on. It provides a sense of control, and relieves us of the hard work of considering all the intricacies.
Black and white thinking is a defense mechanism
Imperfect as we are, we humans lean towards ease and comfort. Making a situation out to be absolute means it is impossible for you to change it. It creates a loophole for shirking responsibility and accountability, and protects us from entering into situations where we feel vulnerable.
Although we may find some short-term satisfaction in this comfort, this little defense mechanism can cause big damage down the road; because once it develops into a habit, it changes into a paradigm, and your whole world view becomes distorted. Yikes!
Impact of black-and-white thinking
Because it distorts your perception of reality, black and white thinking can lead to a variety of problems.
- Perfectionism: When you see things in black and white, things are rarely “good enough.” Challenges become frustrations because you won’t settle for less than perfection, and life is a continuous disappointment.
- Degraded self-worth: Along the same lines, any imperfections you perceive in yourself can make you feel inadequate and diminish your self-esteem.
- Defeatism: When you don’t manage to achieve your all-or-nothing goals you might give up altogether, or not even try in the first place, due to fear of failure — limiting yourself professionally, academically, physically and emotionally.
- Mental health: Black and white thinking often frames us as a victim of circumstances, fostering a sense of helplessness. This — along with the fact that rigid thinking makes everything more intense — can be mentally exhausting and lead to higher rates of anxiety, depression and anger.
- Rocky relationships: Black and white thinkers can be difficult to get along with. Their exaggeration of faults and mistakes puts others on the defensive, and creates excuses to withdraw rather than putting forth their share of the effort it takes to make a relationship last.
Ironically, black and white thinking also makes it especially hard to change, but it is possible.
Reshaping your thoughts
Just like flexibility is a sign of good physical health, exhibiting flexibility in your mindset demonstrates mental and emotional health. And just like one needs to do plenty of stretching and training to become a gymnast, you will need to exercise your brain to think more broadly, see things from multiple perspectives, and make more accurate assessments. This is called dialectical thinking.
Dialectical thinking
Unlike the dichotomous foundation of black and white thinking, dialectical thinking takes opposing views and looks for harmony between them, accepting paradoxes with insight and wisdom. A dialectical thinker:
- Seldom uses absolute terms.
- Is able to look at things from different perspectives.
- Acknowledges that there can be more than one solution (two people can both be right even if they disagree).
- Accepts uncertainty and confusion as part of life.
- Can be afraid, but still willing to try.
- Can want one thing but be willing to accept something else.
- Can handle complex emotions (like being angry at a loved one).
- Can validate others while setting appropriate boundaries for him/herself.
- Accepts that even good and smart people sometimes make mistakes.
Training your brain
Understanding the difference between black and white thinking and dialectical thinking doesn’t mean that you can change your thought patterns overnight. It might be a long process to shape new habits, but there are many tools and techniques that will help you along the way.
- Notice extreme words in your thoughts and speech and reflect on how far they are from the truth. Then think of other words that would be more accurate, and try incorporating them into your vocabulary more often.
- Challenge your limiting thoughts. Overly critical and negative thinking can interfere with your ability to assess things rationally. What do you gain by thinking that way, and how could you be more truthful, more moderate, and more broad-minded?
- Reframe your thinking: Look at each situation from different perspectives, and allow for exceptions to rigid preconceptions. There could be multiple nuances getting overshadowed by black and white thinking.
- Be precise rather than absolute. When confronting someone, it is more helpful to be specific and avoid generalizations like “You always…” Use phrases like “I feel angry” rather than “You make me angry.”
- Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can help you identify black and white thinking. Stick with the facts and you will be forced to use more moderate terms. For every negative, list a positive, and come up with at least two alternative interpretations. Doing this regularly can help re-shape your thought pattern.
- Learn to meditate: A regular meditation practice can help reduce stress, anxiety, and depression; improve your intuition and self-awareness; and ultimately enable you to observe emotions without reacting to them. At least allow yourself the time and space to reflect on how black and white thinking has impacted your life thus far, and how you might have handled things differently.
- Create your own mantra: Repeating positive messages to yourself is extraordinarily useful in changing your thinking. Phrases like “I’m not perfect, but I am intelligent and capable;” “I can and will challenge my limiting thoughts;” “I am willing to face my fears and overcome difficult situations;” and “Life is not black and white — there is a middle ground and I will find it;” can be used to replace those other thoughts that aren’t serving you well.
- Focus on progress rather than perfection. Small steps in the right direction will eventually take you where you want to go.
With practice, dialectical thinking will become natural, and others will find you more patient, tolerant, and agreeable. Your self-image will improve, you will experience more harmonious relationships, form rational assessments, make better decisions, and show more resilience in conflicts.
“When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change”
Author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer
READ ALSO:
- Open Your Heart and Heal Your Life
- Mind Over Matter: Train Your Brain and Transform Your Life
- Calming the Control Freak in You
Black and white thinking can also be the symptom of a mental health condition
Sometimes black and white thinking is part of something more complicated, in which case you should not hesitate to seek professional help.
- Individuals with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) may use black and white thinking to foster feelings of control.
- Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may use black and white thinking because they have difficulty viewing different perspectives.
- Individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) may use black and white thinking to support their rigid thinking about their routines.
- People with eating disorders may use black and white thinking in regards to their physical appearance, and/or food itself.
